Finding my place in a changing church

This encouragement is written by Margot Eyring, a Spiritual Director and the Spiritual Direction Coordinator at Coracle in Arlington, VA.

I have issues with my church. This came as somewhat of a surprise. I’ve been involved in leadership in various churches for over 50 years and consider myself flexible and innovative. I’ve been at this current church home for sixteen years. But here I am, finding myself calming my nervous system rather than offering something positive. Being in community is exhausting. 

I used to be proud of my church and how we welcomed difference. I remember the first time I took vegetables to the daily church breakfast for friends experiencing homelessness. It seemed like this church truly welcomed all people, and this diverse group of people felt a true sense of belonging.

Slowly, since the pandemic, we have lost the political diversity that used to be part of our DNA, many long-time members have left, and the church culture and how people participate has shifted. While our welcome statement remains — “welcoming all — no matter what” — -it seems clear (to me) from the prayers offered in public, the images displayed, how decisions are made and change is communicated, that some people are more welcomed than others. And while I understand the shifting perspective and even appreciate aspects of it, it is not mine. I have beloved family members and friends who no longer feel welcome to come worship with me.

When things started changing, I engaged. I offered perspective in community meetings, spoke with leaders, and participated in invitations for input and learning. But, after repeatedly having my perspective questioned or dismissed, I have had little energy to offer anything more than showing up for breakfast. Is this enough? And, as the old song goes… I wondered… should I stay or should I go? When I didn’t discern the freedom to leave, I started wondering if there was a reason to be here? If there is a paradox to play with or perhaps ways I can engage an alternative way of being?

As I wrestled, I processed with my spiritual director and dear friends outside the church. I was reminded there are many types of conflicts; for example, institutional and personal. I realized some of my conflicts are institutional. I have to let go of some of these critiques and breathe to remain peaceful. I also have realized that some of my issues are personal, where I may have more opportunity for influence over myself and perhaps with others, than I have directly with the institution.

Because I know our brains are wired like teflon for positive and velcro for negative, I have been intentional about trying to notice positive aspects of both the institution and the people who seem at odds with my sense of community. I seek to come from a place that appreciates aspects of the system and the people God has created — both the darkness and the light.

I have begun by praying for my church community in new ways.

Surprisingly, at a recent meeting, one I finally had openness to attend, I was invited publicly to coffee with one of the leaders about my vision for how we might see differently. This unexpected invitation felt like a tiny crack of hope in a place that had felt overwhelming. I continue to seek the courage and curiosity to respond to the invitation.

I had hoped this process of writing would reveal solutions and “answers.” I know I am not alone in my search to find pathways for conflict in the church. I have deepened my belief that God indeed loves all the people in this church and my invitation to love involves intention as well as practical action. 

Staying in the midst of conflict matters and is a challenge to live into.