When trying to reconnect pushes someone away — here's what helps

This encouragement is written by Tanner Smith, Chief of Consulting and Culture at The Colossian Forum. 

There is something wonderfully satisfying about deciding it is finally time to fix a relationship.

We compose the perfect message. We rehearse the conversation in the car. We anticipate every possible response. We imagine the hug at the end. Oh, it’s so great when things all work out…

…except when the other person remains strangely unwilling to follow the script we wrote for them. Our desire to “repair” may be sincere and loving, but in our eagerness to make things right, we might have asked for more closeness than the other person is ready to offer. 

Relationships need a combination of independence and connection. In conflict, these forces can go into over-drive, with some of us leaning toward one or the other. When we begin to repair a rupture, we may ask for more closeness or vulnerability than the other person is ready for, causing more rupture than repair as they push back — seeking the independence that makes them feel safe. Sometimes loving someone means taking a smaller next step.

I have a friend who was very important to me for years. About a decade ago, we had a falling out. I made a decision that he disagreed with. I kept calling and texting, trying to stay connected.  Eventually, he asked me to stop reaching out – my desire to repair with him was causing more harm than good.  He wasn’t ready, even though I was. Instead of opening the door I had hoped for, my messages pushed him further away.

My desire for repair was not wrong. But I had asked our friendship to move back toward increased connection too quickly. A smaller faithful step might have included acknowledging the distance, telling my friend I missed him, and allowing his response to show me what the relationship could handle next.

One way to think about this is through the idea of comfort, stretch, and panic zones. The framework is often used to describe how people respond to stress, but it can also help us consider what we are asking of ourselves and others in a difficult relationship.

Comfort zone: The interaction feels familiar and manageable. We are not being asked to risk much vulnerability or respond in a new way.

Stretch zone: The interaction is uncomfortable, but we can still listen, think clearly, and make thoughtful choices. Something new is being asked of us, but we are not overwhelmed by it.

Panic zone: The interaction feels like more than we can manage. We may become overwhelmed, defensive, numb, or eager to escape.

We cannot determine another person’s limits for them. Nor does someone’s discomfort necessarily mean we have done something wrong. Honest conversations are often uncomfortable, and having them can feel risky.  We might feel rejected.

It is a courageous thing to make the offer of connection and then make room for the other person to say no, ask for more time, or tell us that they are not ready. It is also courageous to notice when our own false urgency is driving us to press for an outcome that is not ours to control.

Paul writes, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Paul’s words give us both a calling and a limit. We are called to seek peace and take responsibility for our part. But reconciliation is never ours to accomplish alone. We cannot force another person to participate, and we cannot decide when—or whether—a relationship will be restored.

God does not ask us to force connection and reconciliation. God asks us to remain open to Christ’s work, take responsibility for what is ours, and trust the Holy Spirit with what we cannot control.

As you consider a difficult relationship, ask: What can this relationship handle right now, and what might I need to entrust to God?