After I stormed out — what leaning in made possible

This encouragement is written by Rachel VerWys, CEO at Safe Haven Ministries in Grand Rapids, Michigan. 

The candles from the birthday cake were still freshly plucked from the frosting when someone brought up the recent Presidential election results. The giddy energy of a five year old’s birthday celebration suddenly became tense.

The weeks leading up to my daughter’s birthday had been filled with debates about the presidential election. I had even been censored off Facebook for a hot second because I inserted my opinion on a friend’s post about the ticket between Clinton and Trump. The woman who requested to censor me, I learned through an investigative deep dive, had even referenced some of the same Bible Study resources I did. And we disagreed.

Polarization seems to be the new normal. The tension at the birthday party is something that can envelope many rooms we walk into. That night, as the disagreements spiraled, I let words spill from my mouth in disrespect and anger. I got up and walked out of the room with no intention to come back.

But a hand reached for my arm and stopped me. My husband asked me to return to the party. I breathed deeply and recognized the emotions I had weren’t going to easily evaporate. I knew conflict has the potential to be constructive, but not if I didn’t come back. So, even as my head was swirling with thoughts, I chose to return to those I walked away from. And I apologized for my words even though our disagreements remained.

That was over a decade ago, and my engagement in critical conversations continues. In fact, a few weeks ago, another leader told me I had gentle boldness because I pushed back and questioned some decisions being made about a community plan and policy. I continue to learn as a faith based nonprofit leader navigating critical dialogue with people who I don’t always see eye to eye with. 

One key to this continued leaning in is dialogue. Openness to dialogue and being at the table with those we may not agree with is crucial. I can look back over years of leadership and tell you the tables I have sat around, face to face, with community members, city leaders, family members and friends where we intentionally committed to disagree with ears to hear, to assume good intent, and to be genuinely curious and honest with one another. 

Another key practice for me personally is one of active prayer and meditation. There have been more moments since that birthday party disruption where I needed to say I am sorry for _____. And in order to get to humility, I need the Holy Spirit to convict me and move my being. So I have prayed in desperation, I have prayed in color on paper with creativity, I have prayed in community, I have asked for prayers for wisdom from others, and I have built in a practice of solitude with God. I am only able to extend grace when I recognize my own need for grace in conflict.

And a decade later, the chaos of our world and its divisions don’t seem to be relenting. The arch toward justice is one filled with dissent. History shows us that both praise and protest are necessary as we pursue thriving for our whole community. I wonder what invitation Jesus would have for each of us today as we navigate the places of tension in our lives, from our work places to a child’s birthday party. The brave spaces we enter for dialogue will inevitably encounter conflict, but also hold the possibility that in those challenging moments we can create solutions and change. There will not always be an ending we hoped for, yet I have this notion that the complexity in tension of the already and the not yet is what God holds for us and leads us through day by day.